You probably didn't like that last CO much, but you still went to his Change of Command ceremony.
Put aside your personal feelings and do the right thing here.

Irony: ammo says it's time. Tom is blocked.

And it's still going to leave a hole.

My dad and I were never really close because we were simply too different as people. He was a truck driver, a greaser (in the 50's sense) and a people person. I was a geek who preferred books to people. We didn't have a lot to say to each other and I wasn't exactly his favorite person.

When he died, I was astonished at how broken up I was. Now, almost 10 years later, I was digitizing some old home videos when I heard his voice on the tape - and it was like getting slapped in the head.

--
Has anybody seen my clue? I know I had it when I came in here.

However, it sounds like you and I had very similar upbringings, in terms of relationships with our fathers.  I will be watching this thread closely to see what people tell you, because I'm conflicted in a similar way despite my "dad" not having a critical situation like yours does.
- - - - -
That's what I always say about you, boz, you have a good memory for random facts about pussy. -- joh3n

...get the headstone for your grandmother.  in reading what you have here, that is clearly a priority (for you).

as to the rest?  i don't know.  i'm tainted by my own son.  the idea of treating him in such a way as to have that kind of rift is terrifying to me.  i could never do that.  i can't imagine it.  my dad and i didn't always see eye to eye, but i've always loved him and always known that he loves me.

it's hard to advocate the denial of compassion.  i would think that no matter what you do, you'll be "right."  whatever that means.  you'll sleep at night either way.


_{Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface}

And it could go either way.

I honestly don't think your grandparents would begrudge or judge you for not wanting to reach out to him at this time. They'd want the best for you, no matter what the "best" was defined as, and even if it meant leaving their son in the state that he chose for himself. Obviously, he didn't choose AIDS, but he chose to distance and alienate himself from anyone who loved him long ago. And there would be the concern that, if things weren't civil, that any contact between the two of you could make things worse.

Or, you could reconcile. My impulse would be to ask him to help get a gravestone for your grandmother, as I think it would be one thing that would redeem himself to you, to her, and to himself before he dies. And, you'd give what you could to him while he's still here, nothing more, nothing less.

In the end, either way the choice is yours, and there really is no wrong choice. Just know in your heart that you've made the best choice.

All we can do in this life is our best to be happy, and not hurt others in the process.  When making these decisions I usually aim for the "no regrets" route, and only you can determine how you might feel about your decision later.

It isn't an easy one to make, and I don't envy you.

I would however get the gravestone as soon as you can.  Everyone dropped the ball (and her son, my uncle, squandered the life insurance) and I ended up buying the stone.  I didn't visit her but once after her mind started going, so I know how you feel about that.  But I know I did right by her after she died, and it helps.  

-----------------------------------------
"Buttons aren't toys" -- Trillian

because my father-in-law is a complete and total asshole.  For all intents and purposes he is dead to his daughters, and I believe at least two of them wish he was dead.  I'm not sure whether it was being a self-absorbed alcoholic, beating his wife and kids, or telling them that they were worthless.  Maybe it was how any time you were nice to him, he would try to take advantage of you, or how he burned any bridges that people tried to put up.  Was it that his 'new' girlfriend moved in with him about a month after his wife died of cancer?  Perhaps it was because of all of that abuse that he heaped on his son that my led my brother-in-law to commit suicide.  There's lots of reasons to hate my father-in-law.

Ask yourself this:  has your father done anything to deserve your support?  Simply being your father doesn't count.

start by just writing him a letter, and see what happens.

. . . you want to try and initiate some kind of contact again, if not only for a brief moment. What's the worst that could happen?

Just happened to be listening to some heavy east Texas blues, thus the title.

The best thing about being human is, we can forgive. No other animal seems to have the same capacity for it. We can forgive when it looks (through an evolutionary lens) like a bad idea.

And emotions are what they are, but at some point, you just let go.

I hate quoting lyrics like I hate quoting philosophers and I hated my last therapist but I've had my share of gigantic parental issues and it is strange how easy it is to just

let

go.

Like they all say to do. Then an enemy becomes just a man, and that man, hey, he could become a father if the lighting is right and the words are the good ones, even if they mean it all had to fall apart to get there.

Or not. Sometimes the dead man is just an obituary and a distant grumbling of thunder, and nothing more. The only thing to define that space between father and stranger is the forgiveness that you can willingly give up to the situation.

The thing is, though, can any of us be that perfect? I know that I can't.

And no-one can be blamed for being human: capacity to forgive, willingness to learn, but also the ability to choose when the act is useless or cruel or downright bad.

You're on the right road. Whatever happens, happens. The world will turn, and you will find your peace within it, regardless.
---------------------------------
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

If so, do what you think your grandparents expect of you as their grandchild who is now a man. It'll make them smile.

If not, do what you think will be easiest to live with for the time you have remaining.

---

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic

a deadbeat pig of a man. Now dead. (A story over a beer someday)
But my advice would be to ignore the father issues, let them develop over time or not, but treat him as a distant relative with a chronic disease he would appreciate all the support he can get.

Founder member Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark

Because that's your face you'll be looking at in the mirror everyday.

What will you gain or lose by making contact?
What will you gain or lose by not making contact?

My dad is not the greatest either. I mean, he's not evil (although some might disagree) but he's made life pretty difficult for me and my family many times.
I left when I was sixteen because of my dad, no one would believe me when I said he was bipolar (which I had been saying since I was twelve) and I just couldn't take the constant barrage of horrible thoughts that came out of his mouth. I thought then, when I left, that I was done with him for good.
I was sooo happy that I wouldn't have to deal with him again, I was done. And I was, for a little while.
Then, my mother would be bemoan my relationship with him, ask me to be nice to him ("it's not his fault" etc.). So, eventually I built a new relationship with him, but not because I thought it wasn't his fault or because I feel sorry for him, I did it for my mother and my family. To make things easier, and make me feel like I was doing the right thing.
I decided that for me to feel okay, I have to do my best to make things smooth for my mother. Not because I feel some debt to my dad,  but I because I feel one to my mother.
I think that usually, we know what it is that we think is the right answer, we just might not like it, so we search for something easier. And, of course, the right answer for me is the wrong answer for someone else.
I think that you know what you should do. You know what you feel bound to do because of your love for others in your family, and because you feel sympathy for a human. Being kind to someone in death doesn't mean that you forgive them for all past harms. You never need to say, I forgive you for the past; you can show kindness and empathy for current situations and have it be just that. What people take from your actions is what they need to take, to resolve their own reality baggage.
Not everyone needs to be the hero. Not everyone deserves a hero. You know the answer.
*twinkle*twinkle*

*littlestar.

if he's still an asshole, at least your conscience is clear.